The early a.m. thoughts

The early a.m. thoughts

Here’s a somewhat different update on my life and thoughts doing Erasmus and living in a completely different country. It’s not like I haven’t lived alone before or anything, and there’s no real language barrier, but I do feel strange. I’m actually missing the excitement. I feel like I’m just living here, not enjoying anything, always restraining myself, always stressing and worrying about everything. It’s like I’m walking these streets, but the view is blurred in front of me. I don’t even know how to explain this feeling of detachment from a place, from myself. I’m always running for the future, where I promise myself I will finally be free, but then those days never come and no matter where I run, I can’t catch myself and I can’t make myself stay. I don’t know where this is coming from, but I don’t have a present. I feel empty and scared and indifferent all in one. And when I’m in my small room with no windows, I hype myself about tomorrow when I will get everything done, be productive, go for a walk, take pictures, grab a coffee, go to the bookstore ecc., so I make a to-do list, but then day by day, without fault, I run to my dark room, lock the door and stare at my phone the whole day. I’m constantly tired, but I can’t relax my shoulders, and I barely have the will to go to my classes. Although it’s fun when I get there, I want to blend in with the walls and pass through like a breeze that you barely notice. Every experience has its highs and lows, but I idealised Erasmus so much where I wanted it to completely change my life for the better, solve all my problems, but I just can’t keep up. I was never even close to having something perfect, but I expect everything to still be so and I’m genuinely not happy.

thoughts

Santiago de Compostela – an update

Santiago de Compostela

Santiago de Compostela

Santiago de Compostela

Okay, so my laptop’s been down this past almost a week, so Thursday is a new Saturday, I guess? Anyway, the most important update is that I’ve hurt my leg, and instead of wandering around this beauty of a city, I’m pretty much stuck in my room now.

My classes haven’t started yet, so I really have the time to relax and prepare myself and just enjoy my free time. Last week was actually really fun, I was still able to walk!!! -.- so I got a lot of things done, went to see the campuses, went to the bank (that was a bit of a trouble), tried a really good drink, which was presented to us as “chupito de hierbas”, but I see different versions of the name on the Internet. Anyway, it is a traditional Galician drink and it’s absolutely perfect!

This is the drink, the one in the small glass. Mm, I want it now! Also, the one next to it, is basically ice tea and rum (I don’t know if that has a name – bear with me, I’m not an alcohol connoisseur), but my friend introduced me to it, and this one wasn’t as good as the one we tried the first time, but it is overall a really good drink and probably my new go-to for a while.

This bar’s called Casa das Crechas, btw, and it has an interesting interior design that furthers my interests in the mythology of Galicia, Celtic influence and the importance of witches. I NEED TO KNOW!!!

This is where we tried the best ice tea-rum drink. The bar is in the modern part of the city, but I forgot the name. Good thing I didn’t forget the way there, tho πŸ˜‰

While we’re at the recommendations, two more honorable mentions. First, I went to Gadis (which is an absolute must go-to supermarket) and I picked up these cookies that were the best cookies ever, which is very important for me – a Cookie Monster πŸ˜€

Next stop, Newroz DΓΆner Kebap! I don’t have a picture of this place, yet, but I will make sure to get it on one of the many future visits there. The food… OMG! I tried shawarma, falafel and baklava there so far, and I can’t choose a favorite, I just know I will be going through the whole menu while I’m here! Also, the staff is really nice there! I love it!

Okay, now before I throw a bunch of random photos here, I need to mention one more thing, and that is Erasmus Student Network (ESN) Santiago de Compostela. They have been the most helpful, they helped me find accommodation in Santiago, they organise our trips and other activities and answer all our doubts and questions. Before coming to Santiago, I purchased an ESN card that is basically like a student ID for participating in the events and trips organised by ESN, and we can also get discounts on various things with this card. Their welcome has been the sweetest and it didn’t go without a little welcome gift.

They got us a tote bag with the map of Santiago on it, a cute little bracelet, a much needed water bottle (that I can totally pour some coffee in, right?), a map of Santiago with the list of all the places to visit, a bunch of coupons and discounts for restaurants, clubs, yoga and other stuff, and the comfiest t-shirt ever!

Thanks, ESN Santiago de Compostela! πŸ˜€

And now, here’s a little walk around Santiago via my phone camera πŸ™‚ (it’s doing it no justice, btw!)

Pazo de Raxoi

These two photos are giving me such Jane Austen vibes and I love it!

Also, I should be working on my photographing skills, because this right picture is giving nothing and in reality, I swear, it’s so beautiful!

RΓΊa De San Francisco

Anyway, moving on…

Igrexa de San Francisco
It was a golden hour, but you can’t tell because my laptop says so! -.-
This was the inside of the Cathedral.

Okay, thanks, bye!

Santiago de Compostela – a dream

Santiago de Compostela

santiago de compostela
A view from Miradoiro da Catedral- Santiago de Compostela

With this post I am starting my Erasmus series where I will be posting anything and everything about this beautiful city, the region, my experiences and any useful info.


Getting here

In March of this year, I was attending an “Erasmus Days” at my university and I finally found the courage to actually apply for the programme. I picked Santiago because of a movie I saw a while back and because I love this city’s vibe. Now, I’ve only been here for two days, so this post will be a showing-off-my-phone-gallery, but I can’t wait to get comfy here!

26.8.2022.

First day walking around, I felt so distant from myself. I wanted to belong, but I wanted to be on full tourist-that’s-enjoying-a-vacation mode. I was there, walking around, but it felt like I was in a bubble where I couldn’t feel comfortable. I ran through those streets to get to my apartment.

I am so sorry to myself for setting these barriers in my head that I now need to break down. Hopefully the lights of Santiago help me with it.

Okay, now that I got that out, I want to focus on the beauty of the city. Every corner is another marvel. This is the kind of a city you want to get lost in.

I also visited my first bookstore here. It was such a nice experience and I know for sure I will be needing another suitcase to bring home. I didn’t take any pictures of it, so here’s this instead:

Santiago de Compostela

Okay, thanks, bye!

ENDYMION OR The STATE of ENTROPY by Kurt R. Ward – a review

ENDYMION OR The STATE of ENTROPY

This book is recently published, so I really hope as many of you get your hands on it. I want to see it out of stock! πŸ˜€

ENDYMION OR THE STATE OF ENTROPY
ENDYMION OR THE STATE OF ENTROPY by Kurt Ward

Before I start, I HAVE to praise the amazing illustrations by Rebecca Yanovskaya (http://www.rebeccayanovskaya.com/) because I am absolutely in love with her work!


Endymion or The State of Entropy is a lyrical drama by Kurt Ward. β€žPart-epic battle, part-psychotherapeutic journey, Endymion is set at John Keats’ gravesite in Rome. It is written in poetic meter as one continuous dream, where Jupiter, Diana, Zephyrus, Hermes and Endymion wrestle with reason, fear, hope and divine inspiration.β€œ

This is one of those books that you read and it enriches you and leaves you empty of words to describe it. It is the one that provokes the senses, combines the metaphors and mental images into a beautiful rhythm that takes you not beyond time, but through it into the most hidden and core points of existence. The introduction to this conversation brought the strongly illustrated images of different motives, the polar opposites, Day and Night, Light and what lurks under its bright dominance.

It touches on a lot of topics, but the main one is the line that divides. The polar opposites. The One that can’t go without the Other. Firstly, the Power and the absolute that is conserved and possessively guarded and the obsession over the loss, the insecurity that hides in the fragility of such a state. Having so much power that, eventually, it will slip between one’s fingers. It made me think of separation, significance, anger, hunger and restlessness.

Why are the Dreams so different from everything else, then? The Dreams belong to the point beyond conscious, beyond anyone’s rule and influence. They are the prophecies, they reveal in symbols so many answers that we cannot reach in conscience, but they stay in that area. The first rays of daylight blind the messages that played behind our eyelids.

The Realm of Sleep has its own laws,

The Dreaming are immune

To the mechanics of Perception,

Endymion or the State of Entropy

The importance of opposition is so influential in this work. It questions reason, heart, truth, lies, purpose, rules and nature. It questions the concept, the philosophy, how everything is connected and inevitably tied together. Act II is a beautiful conversation between Diana and Zephyrus. It is the type of conversation one rarely shares with another person; it’s the type of thoughts you send into the Universe.

We are unmapped inhabitants

Steering an uncharted course

Across the immensities of Desire and Loss.

Endymion or the State of Entropy

You can tell where both opinions come from, but the way they look at things provoke the thoughts, it makes you want to join the conversation. On these pages a lot was shared on the topic of pain… β€žPain is transient.β€œ I seem to very much agree with Diana.

Although I mentioned the great role of lines and borders and oppositions in this work, what’s important to have in mind is the fine line between everything. That’s why the Dreams are the focal point here, because if anything, they show how thin the line between realities is. Our existence is the thin line, the future that pours into the past, with the present being a medium for the two. Where, inside of that, do we reside? There’s this passage that paints that thread, the Strand of time and space and the Universe.

I feel like Endymion is a symbol of the unaware part of oneself, and then it’s going back to the meaning, the rebirth and the purpose. It is a wonderful and mythical expression and I can’t wait for this book to take off so more people can talk about it.

Anyway, I said a lot and none of it made sense, but I had to get it out. Thank you to BookSirens for providing me with the copy of this book. All of this rambling was voluntary and my own.

Illustrations by Rebecca Yanovskaya (snippets)

Time

Time

I don’t believe in time, I cannot grasp it. In the Universe, what is time? How does it work? And here, on Earth? I know we as humans are limited. Apparently, by it. We don’t last forever – but what is forever? – we disperse after a while. Still, is it time or a change or are we just a flicker in space, something somewhere that is and then it isn’t anymore? Do we call that ”time”? I think we created this concept because we cannot believe in something if it doesn’t have a name and a form, and we cannot go without believing. That’s why we crafted time. Then we went on and mythologized it. We created it into this huge monster that sinks its teeth into things and devours them. That monster takes things from us and then eventually it takes us, as well.

We put margins on papers and stories. We put lines and borders on the things that never should’ve been restrained. We created time and then it overpowered us. It passed us by and we constantly try to catch it. We’re running out of time. We decided on the points in future that we’re trying to reach and then we act like it’s out of our hands and we can’t move our dates? What is our obsession with deadlines – do we take that expression literally? – and our phobias of all numbers? I just can’t stop thinking about how we got so estranged from the one concept we created. That’s why I don’t understand time. Because we took nothing and turned it into our enemy. We decided on the checkpoints that make no sense. Is that the time? Is it our time?

I think the main issue is that somewhere in that process of constantly running for something so trivial, we made ourselves the means to reach a goal, when instead we should realise that we are the goals. Β 

time
When will we run out of time?

SERENITY POEMS by F. S. Yousaf – a review


Serenity Poems
Serenity Poems

SERENITY POEMS

I’ve read this collection a while back, as an ARC, just as it was coming out. Without any spoilers, I am sharing my thoughts.


When I stumbled upon this collection, I was sceptical to read it, because for me, poetry has a great ability to slip into pretention. Truth is, I didn’t know anything about the book, the cover was what got my attention. Together with the title it made a beautiful and captivating framework for the art in that collection. I was just curious, I thought maybe, let’s give it a try! Soon after I started reading, I started adding bookmarks for my favorites and even sooner I gave that up because I realised I bookmarked the whole collection.

Honestly, I loved this book! It spoke to me so simply, it felt like a conversation, although the author was sometimes directly addressing someone – in those parts I felt like an observer that appreciated just being a part of it. I had a window to author’s emotions because he was so sincere in his expression, so open and true. The main reason why I was so amazed by this collection was that I read these poems in my own voice. The author really spoke in my name. I literally stopped at some of the poems and thought: who told you that? Like, how do you know that about me?

I did say I stopped looking for my favorites, but I would still like to show some of the poems, just talk about them for a bit. I won’t be showing the whole poems because obviously I don’t want to spoil it. I just want to talk about their concepts. The collection is divided into three parts: Acceptance, Hope and Tranquility, which are the feelings and desires these poems breath out. These are also the feelings I long for. I might not have already reached that point, I don’t have every puzzle connected, but I am happy with the state of mind I am in right now. Hope is one thing that never failed me, nor did my stubborness. I am yet to find my peace, but I’m getting there and it is a wonderful journey. Serenity gave me a hand in that, I found solace in the verses. I understood the author’s feeling just like I felt he understood mine. Maybe it’s a universal thing that everyone can relate to. I don’t know, read it and let me know.

Every poem worded perfectly

My first bookmark was page 8, a poem called GIVING TO EACH OTHER. The concept of love for me is really scary.

that frightens me enough to distance myself.

F. S. Yousaf

I can go to extreme lenghts in denying someone’s love for me, too. The next poem maybe explains this better. DESERVING / UNDESERVING, my words if I could ever choose them properly. I made it very difficult to love me.

Another tone has a poem called ONE WITH THE MOON. It reminded me of a Chinese folk love story between the Cowherd and the Weaver. For some reason the tone and the emotion of the poem brought vivid images of this story, the sentiment is the same, at least for me. It speaks of extatic  happiness and longing, uncertainty.

I like to tell myself that regression is normal. The author advises that we let our souls speak. Let’s take time to retrace our steps even, anything we need to find a safe footing. There was a long period of my life that was filled with self-depricating, dark and hopeless thoughts that affected my actions, my ways, my whole life. Thankfully I found my footing. I don’t know how I got here, but I’m thankful I had the chance. My legs are still weak, but the past doesn’t look like a dark shadow preying on me anymore. I can even step back and reminisce. Learn and grow and understand. I allowed my soul to speak. Her voice is still shy, but I can hear it. And it shines with the faintest shade of hope. LET YOUR SOUL SPEAK, I invite you, too.

The author talks about so much; this collection is a reminiscence of every mayor feeling a person can have. He talks about past lovers and pain, doubts, insecurity, past and present, hope for the future. Sometimes it’s not even easy to name those feelings or recognize them. Sometimes it feels like you don’t feel at all. When you’re trapped in a state of numbness and the past and future don’t exist, there’s just this moment of dullness and uncertainty.

My foot stuck in wet cement beside 
ongoing traffic, 
all moving along while I do not  
F. S. Yousaf

I think that’s a moment when you need to move forward. That is you being on the last stop on the train of one period of your life. Time to take another train. In the last part of YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF, author allows himself to hope for a change. It will happen, at its own pace. Kind of in the same note goes EMBODYING ART, still on the topic of accepting our emotions, allowing ourselves to be empty for a bit. It’s the most dreadful thing, but consider it a chance to fill yourself with something new and better.

I said already that the author has this capability to transfer my thoughts onto paper and into this collection. I don’t think I’ve sensed this more than I did in INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. Every single verse is everything I ever tried to verbalize. I don’t even need to talk about it. You’ll see it for your own when you read the poem. The energy I want to follow is the one brought in SUFFICIENT. I’m not even mentioning the beautiful metaphors in the collection. I need to praise it more. You’ll find wonderful examples in this poem.

 And it comforts me to know

how much I can truly help myself.

F. S. Yousaf

This is a true and wonderful revelation: you can help yourself. It took me long enough to realise this, but now I’m owning it. There’s this little poem called PEACE EXISTS IN YOU that talks about this. I turned a few more pages and stumbled upon AWARENESS, another poem that is the direct continuation of my own thoughts. I’m amazed by how the author voiced this state.

In the end, I think I’ve found a form of art that voiced my thoughts and emotions. It’s a bit scary how accurate it was. I feel like these feelings are private because the experiences that lead to them are private. It should be entirely your own, but than you realise that your walk is your own, but the lessons are for all, I guess?

*

At the very very end, I want to thank NetGalley for providing me with this book. It’s a site I’ve discovered a while ago and I’ve been loving it ever since. Now, this isn’t a paid promotion nor do I need to mention NetGalley, but when I find something good, I can’t keep it to myself, I have to share it with everybody. So, I’m just suggesting you to check it out. πŸ™‚ 

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