the art of mending a heart

Posted bymylittlehawkPosted inOtherTags:, , , , , , , , ,

I wrote in the corner of a random notebook years ago:

I feel like one of those tiny, fragile, white shells that washed up on the beach, and somebody stepped on it to get to the pretty shells they wanted to collect.

In another place, I wrote:

Thought I had everything,
but it all turned to dust.
I hid it in a box,
but the flood of my tears
turned it to mud.
Now on the soles of my shoes I carry
pieces of my heart.

The recurring theme is loss, loneliness, and deprivation of love. I had dozens of notebooks that tried to capture the art of heartbreak. Not that it would heal anything, but I thought it would redeem it if it were pretty.

My teen years were my most fruitful years for writing. Too bad it was all wasted on a melancholy I cannot return to anymore.

I still feel like that same dust. Years of neglect (most of it my own) ground me into fine powder that collects on the floor in the corners of the room.

Only now, I come to embrace that form. I like to imagine myself being carried by a gentle breeze, grazing every corner, passing every threshold, having no limits. The dust of stars; invention never stops.

It took tremendous courage to get through that night. To get to the light. The warmth of the sun became a memory I couldn’t quite recall, but I made sure to make it to the day I would feel it again. This time, the memory won’t fade. It will be refreshed with every waking morning, all into a beautiful life ahead.

i want to believe in it.

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Published by mylittlehawk

A blog about books, thoughts and travel

25 thoughts on “the art of mending a heart”

  3. Katarina, that shift from ‘pieces of my heart on the soles of my shoes’ to ‘dust of stars, invention never stops’ that’s not just healing, that’s transformation. You took what ground you down and let it become something that moves through every space it touches. ‘i want to believe in it’ you already do. The sun will feel familiar again. 💙

    / Love & Hugs / Khadija 💕🤗

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    1. Thank you, Khadija! You always put things into perspective so beautifully! Seeing what I wanted to say given back to me framed like this makes it even more real, and makes me even more hopeful, but also helps me recognize and appreciate the part of the journey I already accomplished. Your words are comforting. Thank you so very much!
      Hugs, Katarina 🤗🤗

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    1. I often visualize what I’m going through in mental pictures that help me explain it better, so I’m drawn to these pictures of coming out of what felt like a long, dark night, filled with heavy fog that made it difficult to breathe, and then finally into the light of a fresh, new morning where you can start again. (Or maybe a butterfly opening its eyes to the first moment out of the confines of its cocoon 🦋) There’s an ease to it, like a hope, that pushes me forward and helps me see things clearly.

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    1. Thanks! It gained character this way, but the truth was that I hated the whole picture (that’s me), and it was on a very important day 🥲 so I made it into art instead 🤷‍♀️

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      2. Actually, it was the… I don’t know the exact word for it, but it was *a* ceremony, and it was just a very tough time in my life, but it’s all good now. 😁😁

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      4. That’s right! I was also just a kid, so it was more difficult to wrestle out of it, but then you grow, and mature, and things fall into perspective, and it all aligns well 💙

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