a fever dream. as in, this post is

No matter where you are in life, when you catch a cold that forces you to bed, you are gonna develop that specific impatience that comes from an outside force restricting your routines and plans. You’re gonna turn into the busiest person with a million things to do, but they all have to wait until you can get up again.

What is that when you have so many things to do, and then one thing happens and you can’t do it? But all you can think about are all those other things? What is that called?

I quickly hand my cigarette to my mom so I can sneeze. The cold really takes away every little joy.

I was in bed, every muscle in pain from this awful cold, thinking about soup. I just wanted soup.


Bowl of savory egg drop soup on a patterned tablecloth

Couldn’t even do that. Didn’t have the strength. God, this is awful! I’m so miserable. Am I aware of the fact that I exist?

I don’t even talk to anyone. Like properly. Not in passing. I only have my brain to retell my day in my dreams at night.

Saint Anthony, please come around! Something’s lost and cannot be found.

I feel like this will be a mantra I mumble on repeat as I sit in the rocking chair when I grow old and grey. Or maybe the chair won’t rock. I would just be me trying to soothe myself, gaze unfocused, turned to the life not lived.

And I’ve talked about this before. All pep talk. Listen to your gut! Do what calls to you! Be brave! UGH!

That’s what happens when you don’t trust yourself. You may not pay with your life, but you will pay with the version of life you want most.

I can’t even listen to music properly. How is that fair?? My headphones are old, and the lump by my ear hurts like hell! It really is hell not to be able to listen to music!


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Published by mylittlehawk

A blog about books, thoughts and travel

10 thoughts on “a fever dream. as in, this post is”

  1. What is that one dream you have given up on, but you still think about sometimes? The one you used to pray about, plan for, and talk about with so much excitement. Life happened, responsibilities came, people laughed at it, or it just did not work out the way you wanted. So you quietly let it go and moved on. But once in a while, maybe when you are alone, or when you see someone else living it, it comes back to your mind. What was that dream, why did you give up on it, and do you still wish deep down that you could try it one more time?

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  2. Hugs, katarina. Sorry to hear about your fever. I’m glad you’re responding and posting, but stay gentle to yourself. I’ll reply to your replies tomorrow. Good night. Healing vibes and prayers to you.

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    1. I’m slowly going back to my routine, and I’m too restless to stay in one place for too long 😅 But I’m just catching up on posts, cup of tea at hand. Good night, and talk to you tomorrow! Thank youu! Many hugs!

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    1. It really is one. Mostly because it’s just annoying and exhausting 😅 Thank you! Sending hugs back! 🤍 It isn’t too much to ask, is it? Just some soup and some music. I mean…

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  3. Oh, feeling this in my bones—there is truly nothing quite as frustrating as that sick-in-bed restlessness where all you want is comfort and soup, but your body just forces a full stop!
    I hope you shake this awful cold very soon and get back to listening to your favorite music in peace. Wishing you a wonderfully cozy and healing weekend ahead!

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