running in circles

What goes around comes around. By that logic, you can either create a loop, or you’re already a part of it. Either way, how much agency do you have?

One bad thing can bounce off another bad thing, or provide an equal response, and in a circle it goes.

It’s sort of like a spiral. Nothing escapes it. It never changes. It’s always in motion.

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I spent my teens in a downward gaze. My eyelids were too heavy to keep fully open. My eyes are downward, too. The outer corners connect with the line of dark circles under my eyes, creating one melancholic circle.

Most of the prayers that escaped my lips at that age, only God will ever hear, and I’m glad He didn’t answer.

But anyway, years later, all this made me think about what you plant one day and what grows from it much later, when your original garden layout plan has already changed.

What I whisper now, to my diary, to the universe, to God, is an attempt to reverse what I put in the ground all those years back. It wasn’t a seed of a plant that would defiantly sprout on a sunny morning in the distant future. It was a corpse of my self-abhorrence, this hostility that tried to strangle itself.

For a while there, guilt comes with it. This enmity starts oozing out of you and onward to the outside world. That anger will satiate its need to scream.

Frustration, envy, loneliness, rage, destruction, guilt.

Is karma an echo of your intent?

I’m left with nothing else but another loop to trick myself into, so…