My phone storage is full. I need to get my life together.
I don’t have the leverage of being a student with at least some time still to go before I graduate to decide what’s next. There is no safety in a structure or a schedule that university life would set for me, where I technically don’t need to answer that question yet. And, I’m out of the bubble of thinking that everything is possible, and I can dream these crazy big dreams, because they would come true. I am yearning for a big adventure. I hear those hopecore, motivational background sounds somewhere in my mind, teasing at my insecurities and lack of hope. They’re painting a picture of a beautiful, wonderful life somewhere… Somewhere out of reach. Just out of reach.
I’m searching frantically for an opportunity to show up, or a breakthrough, or at least a sign. I’m going back to my old ways of planning and organizing my life, thinking that it’s this lifestyle that I’m missing, or that I fell out of, and if I just go back to it, it would all work out. If I buy that silly little notebook, and plan each step I take in a day, and carry it around like a very important business briefcase, it would gain the power of a magic wand, and I could just bibbidi-bobbidi-boo my life around. I would have a purpose again, and I wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore, the way I feel like I’m doing right now.
It’s tough being unemployed in your twenties. Because that’s the truth of it. I’m unemployed. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I doubt all of my interests, choices, and capabilities, and struggle with the fact that I don’t have a job. That’s the gist of it.
I do, however, need to swoosh my magic wand over my everyday schedule to create at least some productivity. There’s a huge pile of books in my room that I want to read. There are so many articles I saved that I also need to read. I want to start some of my hobbies again. I’m so creative in my mind, but nothing in execution. And I hate that I feel all this at the start of a new year. Talk about timing!
I feel like a loser around my peers. They have all these anecdotes about work, or their colleagues, or whatever, and I’m not even that unemployed friend that’s always on a wild side-quest where you would marvel at the free and fun life they’re living. No, I just sit at home, scroll my life away on my phone, and then think about more and more things I haven’t accomplished in life when I should’ve. I think that this year won’t be a year of spiritual improvement, or becoming the it-whatever, but rather it will be a year of covering the basics. I know this feeling won’t last forever, but I’m not exactly known as a patient person, and it is something that lingers. Especially if all you’re surrounded by are people who are way ahead of you in navigating their twenties. I’m tired of feeling like a child wearing grown-ups’ shoes. Why can’t my breakdown-rock-bottom-misery look chic as it does on TV? I want to at least joke about it, but I’m too frustrated and impatient to do it.
Screw it! I’m buying the notebook.
My Little Hawk 