“You can’t have a village without being a villager.”

Everyone wants a village. No one wants to be a villager. And I’ve seen this discourse online a lot lately, with fingers pointed in all directions. I think we are just passing the ball at this point. “We need to show up for other people. We need to hang out more, bring flowers, and do little low-effort acts for others.” It’s exhausting for the actual villagers.

I especially notice this in my life, realizing just how many of my “village” would not even be somebody I could call in case of emergency, but would collapse without me being a villager. I was always going above and beyond. I was also very naive, thinking they would do the same “had the opportunity presented itself, but it simply hasn’t yet”.

Then, I realized I’m not even a friend. You know, the title. The people I called my dear friends introduce me to others as someone’s sister, someone randomly there, and so on. My ego really took a blow with that one, because it messed with my already fragile sense of self in this world. I’m thinking: “I’m more than just a role I play in other people’s lives.” And then I find out that’s not true.

It’s disgusting to have your sense and your boundaries be taken away like that. How am I supposed to navigate this life, trying to assert myself as a whole, established person, when I am being forced into molds I don’t (want to) fit? It’s not even about being unable to say no to things because I’m a people pleaser or whatever. I’m not one. My time and my presence are being used entirely without my consent. How did that happen? What audacity!

The most disgusting thing about it all is that lousy manipulation tactic of trying to reciprocate your willingness to be a villager, but: Oops! Oh no! Something came up. Something always comes up, but I can’t control it. I’m such a bad friend, but next time. Count on me next time. (How?) Or: I appreciate you more than you know (that’s for sure, because I really don’t know/can’t tell). It’s really exhausting.

For whatever reason, we are becoming increasingly selfish. And the rhetoric adopted online is enabling that. We are throwing whatever nonsensical phrases around without giving them a second’s thought. Protecting our peace, while important, is not something people understand its nature and purpose to be. We use it when we can’t be bothered to do anything, really. And this lack of community is part of a much larger issue, but the point still stands: we forgot how to be friends, or how to show up for each other and build authentic and honest, two-way relationships.

Being a villager is being a link in a chain – each part equally as important, and one not working without the other. That’s what anchors the relationship. That way you know you can always lean on people, and people can lean on you. And isn’t that something you should strive for?

Strive for meaningful relationships. In the end, when it really matters, it won’t be about who you can grab coffee with or pass the time in between, but who you can trust and who trusts you. It’s about people you value, and those who value you.

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