Paranoia can be taught. Did you know?
Controlling, manipulative, possessive behaviors don’t just exist in a bubble where they belong to that one person. It bleeds into you, too. Their twisted ways leave scars on your behavior, habits, and life.
And it’s not always in the big things, you know? I find that the seemingly trivial things left a bigger mark on me than the outright abuse ever did.
Because it’s hidden. You can’t always pinpoint it, and in the grand scheme of things, you don’t pay it much mind.
For example, going through your things. It shatters your sense of privacy. It makes you feel unsafe, and it instills in you this need to hide things, be secretive. And from a young age, it’s even more damaging because that is your starting point. That’s when your start forming your behavior and habits.
One thing this person did was dig through the trash. They still do that today. But it was just constant digging through the bin, looking for whatever, and finding nothing. What could’ve been found anyway? A dirty tissue or a grocery list? A stale banana peel?
But they still did it, and even though I knew, as I know still, that I have nothing to hide, it did create in me this sense of being watched and controlled, so I felt like a prisoner.
I mean, trash is not something you leave out on the table for everyone to see. It’s something you put away. You dispose of it. It’s garbage. So, in a sense, it’s intimate.
…
The worst part in this aspect of the abuse is that you don’t even recognize it as part of their twisted behavior. You turn to yourself, as the only thing you can control. You look for ways to make it better. How to be a better prisoner.
And then years later, you’ll freeze in the moment as the realization washes over you.
Those shockwaves are the ugliest remnants I can think of, in your journey of recognizing what happened to you.
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So sorry you had to go through that.
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Thank you. It’s tough, but yeah idk, I like to think that I’m doing better now.
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I’m sure it will only get better from here. Good on you mate! Cheers!🙌😄
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Fingers crossed! Thankss! Cheers! 😄
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abuse does have a way of making yourself go through self-loathing 😦 sorry this happened
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it sure does! i hate the parts you don’t always recognize outright. those are the hardest to heal from.
thank you ❤
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Such a powerful and deeply moving piece. 🤍It’s heartbreaking how abuse can leave scars we don’t even recognize until years later. 🦋✨
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Thank you! 🤍 It’s heartbreaking in ways I can’t even describe.
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Understand this profoundly. It crops up when a friend or colleague or partner find one ‘withholding’ perhaps, etc. Little things. Important to stay open to that feedback and consider, so that the first person(s) behaviors don’t steal intimacy from the later. ❤ Sorry you've had to go through this.
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Yep! The process of acknowledging that, just becoming aware of it, so you can then work on it is a bit of an uphill battle, but I agree, it’s important to stay open. ❤ Me too, but I'm working on it. Thank you! ❤ ❤
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@mylittlehawk.com
Regarding; “Controlling, manipulative, possessive behaviors don’t just exist in a bubble where they belong to that one person. It bleeds into you, too.”
The Size of these Emotions & Development of Thought around them are Determined by Discipline & Control.
Holding on to Thoughts which does not fit Societal Rules, means Discipline.
When you have thought / fantasy of Action Societally Wrong you know, Abort Thought & Action attached; then try “Selfless-Empathy”.
🍀
Regards,
🟨
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@mylittlehawk.com fill your Complete Soul with Selflessness, see what happens; https://music.apple.com/nl/album/crush-skeler-vision/1867220141?i=1867220143&l=en-GB
🟨
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I get what you’re trying to say, although it might be a bit misplaced here, but overall, it’s definitely an interesting thought. Regards,
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This really gets to me. I really like how you say it’s both intimate and haunting. Unlike with obvious abuse, one never outright rejected it, it became a part of oneself. Then one day, one wonders why the hell something is the way it is (like in my case, where I wondered for years why I found it easier to express my thoughts in any language other than my own mother tongue). Then, step by step, one traces the trait back to something one never thought was there. It wasn’t really resentment or hate, it was just…strange.
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Yes, because it seems so subtle as opposed to the rest, that you don’t point to it as abuse, but rather immediately turn to yourself, and it becomes this uncanny truth about yourself that isn’t your truth. And I relate to how you find it easier to express yourself in languages other than your native one, because I feel the same. You know, I don’t even write in my journal in my native language, because then I would reach vulnerability and rawness that could break apart this something that I can define and confine through another language, one I’m not attached to. And still you try to pry into it to see what it is. It isn’t resentment, but it is this uncomfortable feeling that you can’t recognize and name, but that in itself creates, I guess, frustration, at least.
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Wow, I’ve never met someone who has the same problem. You’re spot on about the “rawness”. Something just felt, I don’t know how to describe it, probably too shameful? Too overwhelming to put into words? You’re right that it’s very frustrating because one can’t pinpoint a certain event, or even a period, like one could with traumatic experiences. There is just no before and after, and in the end, one can do nothing but accept that that’s who they are (for me, there are some positive aspects to it too. If I had been shaped differently, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and there are things I do value about it, so I don’t really resent it. It’s just an itch).
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It’s hard to control ourselves sometimes. And being watched is frustrating and stressful.
Hugs many!
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It’s hard to control things that are outside of you, but affect you still. I find that the hardest to navigate. Being watched takes away your sense of safety and freedom. Tough trench to crawl out of 😅
Many hugs back! I appreciate you muchly!
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Ah, muchly muchly to you, too.😁 we can’t control outside of us, especially the weather🤭
We have a typhoon here. How’s the weather there?
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A typhoon?? What? How’s it going now? It’s a bit cloudy here, but nothing too dramatic 🤭😅
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We had plenty of rain this morning, but thank goodness, no strong winds.
That’s how tropical countries work.😁
Enjoy your cloudy day! I think sometimes we’re so dramatic than the weather. 😅
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Thank goodness! We had such strong winds the other day that it broke that plastic table I told you about.
We never know when the weather’s gonna throw a tantrum, so we throw one in apprehension 😅
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