how to be a better prisoner

Paranoia can be taught. Did you know?

Controlling, manipulative, possessive behaviors don’t just exist in a bubble where they belong to that one person. It bleeds into you, too. Their twisted ways leave scars on your behavior, habits, and life.

And it’s not always in the big things, you know? I find that the seemingly trivial things left a bigger mark on me than the outright abuse ever did.

Because it’s hidden. You can’t always pinpoint it, and in the grand scheme of things, you don’t pay it much mind.

For example, going through your things. It shatters your sense of privacy. It makes you feel unsafe, and it instills in you this need to hide things, be secretive. And from a young age, it’s even more damaging because that is your starting point. That’s when your start forming your behavior and habits.

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One thing this person did was dig through the trash. They still do that today. But it was just constant digging through the bin, looking for whatever, and finding nothing. What could’ve been found anyway? A dirty tissue or a grocery list? A stale banana peel?

But they still did it, and even though I knew, as I know still, that I have nothing to hide, it did create in me this sense of being watched and controlled, so I felt like a prisoner.

I mean, trash is not something you leave out on the table for everyone to see. It’s something you put away. You dispose of it. It’s garbage. So, in a sense, it’s intimate.

…

The worst part in this aspect of the abuse is that you don’t even recognize it as part of their twisted behavior. You turn to yourself, as the only thing you can control. You look for ways to make it better. How to be a better prisoner.

And then years later, you’ll freeze in the moment as the realization washes over you.

Those shockwaves are the ugliest remnants I can think of, in your journey of recognizing what happened to you.

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