The early a.m. thoughts

Some thoughts I’ve been having lately

Here’s a somewhat different update on my life and thoughts doing Erasmus and living in a completely different country. It’s not like I haven’t lived alone before or anything, and there’s no real language barrier, but I do feel strange. I’m actually missing the excitement. I feel like I’m just living here, not enjoying anything, always restraining myself, always stressing and worrying about everything.

It’s like I’m walking these streets, but the view is blurred in front of me. I don’t even know how to explain this feeling of detachment from a place, from myself. I’m always running for the future, where I promise myself I will finally be free, but then those days never come and no matter where I run, I can’t catch myself and I can’t make myself stay.

I don’t know where this is coming from, but I don’t have a present. I feel empty and scared and indifferent all in one. And when I’m in my small room with no windows, I hype myself about tomorrow when I will get everything done, be productive, go for a walk, take pictures, grab a coffee, go to the bookstore, etc., so I make a to-do list, but then day by day, without fault, I run to my dark room, lock the door and stare at my phone the whole day.

I’m constantly tired, but I can’t relax my shoulders, and I barely have the will to go to my classes. Although it’s fun when I get there, I want to blend in with the walls and pass through like a breeze that you barely notice. Every experience has its highs and lows, but I idealized Erasmus so much that I wanted it to completely change my life for the better, and solve all my problems, but I just can’t keep up. I was never even close to having something perfect, but I expect everything to still be so and I’m genuinely not happy.


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