Happy birthday, mylittlehawk! Another year, another list of lessons learned. In light of that change and growth, here’s something I wrote down in my notes back in May that proved itself to be true yesterday while I was at work. I realized that just a crying session won’t do, so I’m sharing it with you.
(First of all, this sudden resurrection of my posting found its inspiration in the question of being a good person. My sister and I sat on the beach at midnight last night and discussed kindness. The beach was empty, the shift was long, and the amount of bs was overwhelming. So the first lesson is: be kind (always), don’t be dumb. My sister kept repeating: “Budi dobar, pojedi g****.” That part isn’t the advice. It’s what not to do. Be kind, but not at your own expense.)
I didn’t have that, you know, typical drama story of ex-friend or ex-lover or some relationship with a dramatic end, but – and it took me a long time to realize this – I had toxicity in my relationships, or better yet, the relationships weren’t as glorified and peaceful as I convinced myself they were. I noticed that I was getting better at taking hold of my life, gaining control of the things that bothered me, or recognizing and changing my past bad habits. I avoided drama because I was introspective and handled everything quietly and independently, so there was no room for drama and complications. I praised the people around me because I was filled with so much love for them that I thought my sudden improvement was stemming from them, but in all truth, it was a reflection on them that bounced back to me. The friendships that ended did just that – end. People came and went, and I thought that was a healthy flow made by mature people, a natural current in human lives. The toxicity level of my relationships was so subtle that for so long, it went under the radar, and I naively basked in the artificial warmth of a light bulb my nearsightedness mistook for the sun. When you are a reflective person, a listener able to adjust well, the subtle signs of, well, not neglect, but lack of care, support, and interest in you and your life is just that – subtle. You can’t pick up on it as fast. And when they suddenly shower you with attention and affection, it’s easy to make a mistake. You are finally receiving the treatment you give to others, so you gulp it like spring water, confusing your standards with theirs. You try to exceed it, give more. (When you have the energy that gives, you attract people who take!). But then, all that was (more often than not) just an anticipatory act before the favor. And you know what? It makes me feel like I’m on hold the whole time. The line is open, and the connection is there, but what I’m hearing is static.
And with that, I blow the candles on my (only virtual) birthday cake. Okay, thanks, bye!
My Little Hawk 