Big L: Love And Loneliness

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Love and Loneliness

I know I’ve been all about love on this page lately (I don’t know why. I was just inspired), but I also want to talk about loneliness.

I’m not ready to talk about many things I should and said I would dedicate more space to. I just need time to process everything, and although I also thought about another blog hiatus, my mind is filled and overflowing with so much emotion. I need an outlet for it. This space’s been my anchor lately.

I wasn’t lying about my lucky stars or about how I really can feel their light in my life, but with everything that’s happened in my life lately, and that’s been happening for four months now, and what’s been happening for a year and a half now, and what’s been happening since 2019, I also feel lonely.

“I’m Historically Heartbroken”

I feel like, at any point, I could break down and cry. The only issue is that no tears show up. I became so numb to my own problems that if you asked me if I was alright, I would be serious to tell you I was. Like, it’s not that I’m hiding how I’m feeling. It’s just that I genuinely don’t know what else to tell you. I don’t even care, why would you?

Now, I got myself out of much worse, but this state I find the scariest. What else can happen that would go unregistered by the part of my brain responsible for normal human reactions and feelings? I have no more space in my life for feeling.

It feels like, lately, all my emotions are forced, like my brain is telling me: “This is what happened, this is how serious it is, and this is how you should react.”

“Staring Contest With The Walls”

Maybe this issue is caused by my earlier attempts to repress my emotions. Don’t cry so much. People find that annoying. Don’t bother people so much. They can’t help you. I cringed so much at my earlier attempts to find help that I made myself emotionless.

Even now, I feel pathetic writing this. Maybe it’s the loneliness I created around me because I have people in my life a text away. I also have this space that I made with the purpose of not being alone with my thoughts.

But the “burden syndrome” that stops me from reaching out, on the one hand, and the wasteland that is this blog, on the other… Yes, it makes me lonely. I feel alone.

I enjoy the privilege of desertedness of this blog of mine. It makes it easier to write about anything I want. It’s okay, nobody’s here. I can say it. I’m not okay. I just wish I could finally witness the change in the pattern. Why is it always pain, anxiety, grief, and loneliness? My best friends. So loyal!

I’m sorry, dear friends. I don’t think this relationship is healthy. I don’t think I belong in this group. It’s not me, it’s you. You’re a bad influence. You’re not supposed to mingle with humans so much. You can let go now.

I want to go out and breathe some fresh air. I don’t want to be so familiar with these walls around me. I also want to hug some people. Some of them I can’t hug anymore, which makes this all even harder.

Why Is It A Sieve?

Where is the unit where I store the love I receive? I want to go there and check why it’s leaking, and nothing stays to sustain me.

And the guilt! I can’t forget about that one. That one’s at the head of the table. Can I please dismiss this assembly?

Since my eyes are so dry, this blog is my tears.

Big L: An Autobiography

Maybe I should’ve put a disclaimer of sorts for this post. It is entirely personal and all over the place. If it feels like you’ve read it before, it’s because I’m stuck in the loop of the same state and feelings, and I can’t get rid of it, so I go on like a broken record. Always the same words stare at me from the screen.

Anyway, Spotify came for my throat with this recommendation, so I’m just putting it here because it fits. It’s exactly what I’ trying to say, actually.

I’ll see myself out.