I’ve been delaying doing anything on my to-do list for no good reason. I’m behind on everything. So, in this post, I decided to name the problem. Today, I’m going to be talking about procrastination.
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A Preview to Procrastination
A few summers ago, I decided not to get a summer job. Two summers before that, I worked as a waitress, and the jobs were okay. But that third summer, I finished my second year of studies, everything caught up to me, and I needed a break. I think that’s when my procrastination started.
That was the summer I came to my parents asking for help. In hindsight, that was the worst thing I could’ve done. I gave my one vulnerability to someone who mocked it and blamed me for trying to ruin and embarrass the family. Trust me to not know who to trust.
Because that’s what mental health is here. I’ve been pushing this issue for a long time because nobody takes these things seriously where I’m from, even when they prove themselves to be dangerous. But, good thing I’m a fast learner. Everything I know about mental health, I learned through trial and error. I got hurt. And then again and again until I figured it out. And I did figure it out. I have scars to prove it. Anyway, I wanted to talk about one other aspect, or symptom of this problem – procrastination. Why I never used to have this problem, and why it’s my roommate now.
Procrastination After the Burnout
Leaving one trivial issue without a solution will make it a heavy burden after a while. When the problem is weighty, to begin with, it might crush you. Before realizing what my problem was and figuring out the source (this was harder to find out), I just knew something was wrong. And to escape it, I ran to every side. Books, the forever-proven way to escape reality, were my first and probably the only healthy option.
In the beginning, procrastination wasn’t something I was dealing with. There was no postponing anything, nothing to leave for later because no time was enough time. All of my time had to be occupied, and my mind was constantly busy.
It came later, in a big way, after the burnout. With that came another issue. In all my procrastinating, I still had to keep up my image. I couldn’t admit my defeat. I was always a good student, an obedient daughter, and easy to work with. I couldn’t betray that status. It was easy to lie. Or it became easy after a while. Be general enough, and they’ll never know.
And so I fed my procrastination. I let it unfold. I let anxiety swallow me whole at night when I should be sleeping. I was fighting for breath, trying to bargain with it with empty promises of a more productive tomorrow.
Social media and living alone don’t help this. I’m embarrassed whenever I get the notification about how many hours I’ve spent online. And so it goes, one exam season after another, preparing seminars two days before the deadline, betraying my blog posting schedule and all of my projects forgotten somewhere in the drafts, all because I procrastinate.
I procrastinate on my health, too. On some appointments, I’m years behind. I’m even worse with the little things I could solve myself. There’s always a convincing reason why I can’t do something now. I waste time like it’s promised, never learning.
Procrastination is my worst enemy now, the one I’m looking in the face but never facing. “It’s the one obstacle I need to pass to be able to live fully.” But I guess that’s scary. What if all my efforts serve nothing? I’d sooner deceive myself and blame it on procrastination than admit that it‘s not what controls me and that it’s just a different name I gave to my fear.
That’s why procrastination is my biggest problem, because of how much I need it. It hides the sight of failure that lurks in the next moment.
Thank you for listening to my ramble. I hope this post was fun. Do you deal with this issue? If so, how do you fight it? Let me know down below.