struggling faith

Whatever my relationship with the Church, my relationship with God is another thing. Iโ€™m full of anger. I put so much faith in Him to protect us, and I scream to Him to show His might.

In all my doubt and desperation, I scream to Him because I feel safe doing so.

I look for comfort, praying that He shows me that it will be alright. That this evil wonโ€™t win. She canโ€™t win. Itโ€™s not fair.

While I was sorting out my grandmaโ€™s things after she passed, I found this book about saints. Itโ€™s from a Croatian author, and thereโ€™s this quote that goes:

Oftentimes they painted saints as wax dolls. They were plucked out of life and immediately transported into an inaccessible realm of the supernatural. Thus they appeared to us as ethereal beings, strange, unreachable, and distant. We did not recognize our own blood in them.

Saints were just humans. They made mistakes, fell, and doubted. And through that dark, their light now shines brighter.

God is Almighty. That is what Iโ€™ve been told all my life. So He should know if the test is worth it and if there is a purpose to all this.

Oftentimes, in my struggle with this external evil that frightens us, I go between denouncing God and compulsive devotion. I know it makes my faith look weak. I donโ€™t care. This isnโ€™t my confession. I wrestle with God a lot. Itโ€™s a push-and-pull relationship in which Iโ€™m breaking under this burden and trying to make sense of it.

If only my grandma were here now.

The other day, I made a comment to my mom. Donโ€™t remember what it was. She said back, โ€œIt means someone is asking for your prayerโ€.

My grandma was devoted. Her faith was so pure. I believe her prayers still protect us. She is my compass and inspiration.

I lack strength. I donโ€™t blame myself for it. Given the circumstances, I hold on well. But I wish I had a bit more of my grandmaโ€™s strength and security.

Iโ€™ll probably go my whole life searching for it.  


Narrow dirt path surrounded by lush green ivy in a forest setting.


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10 thoughts on “struggling faith

  1. WHAT WILL YOU GAIN BY NOT PROTECTING YOUR PARTNER? โ€” READ THIS CAREFULLY

    What will you gain by constantly exposing your marriage to outsiders?

    What will you gain by telling your family and friends about your partnerโ€™s weaknesses, mistakes, failures, and private struggles?

    When you repeatedly expose your partnerโ€™s weaknesses to others, you may unintentionally give them reasons to disrespect your partner or look down on them.

    Marriage requires privacy, loyalty, trust, and protection.

    If you have a problem with your partner, learn to sit down together and talk about it. If you cannot resolve it yourselves, seek wise and trustworthy counselโ€”but donโ€™t turn your partnerโ€™s private life into public information.

    Not every disagreement needs to be announced to your family and friends.

    Not every mistake your partner makes needs to become a topic of discussion.

    Not every challenge in your marriage needs to be posted on social media.

    Be careful who you allow into the private matters of your marriage. Some people may listen to your problems today, but tomorrow they may use those same things against your partner or your marriage.

    And remember, cheating also opens the door for another person to enter a space that should be protected by commitment and faithfulness. Infidelity can cause deep emotional pain and create serious consequences for a relationship.

    Being faithful is not only about avoiding another relationship. It is also about protecting the trust, dignity, and commitment you promised your partner.

    #MarriageAdvice #HealthyMarriage #MarriageWisdom #RelationshipAdvice #ProtectYourMarriage

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  2. My mother is quite religious I refuse to have faith in things I can’t prove. But to each their own and I can respect that. In my opinion if there is a god I will be forgiven when I say I didn’t know any better.๐Ÿ˜…

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    1. Like my grandma – her faith was very pure and beautiful to witness. I get your point, and also, it is *your* relationship with faith and spirituality, whatever it may be. faith/religion can’t and shouldn’t be forced onto anyone. I was raised a catholic, but now I’d say I’m loosely religious because of my stance about Church, and like I say for you, same goes for me, ultimately, my relationship to faith/divine is between me and… that belief ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

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