For Lack of a Better Word

For Lack of a Better Word - a post on My Little Hawk

For Lack of a Better Word, I Lack Words

After an unplanned break from writing here on WordPress, I wanted to come back and talk about mental health and other conversations I started here. Talking about all that isn’t easy, and one thing that’s been bothering me is the lack of words I have to express my feelings.

I also wanted to talk about books, but in that, too, I noticed how much eloquence I lack, and then I fell into a spiral of self-doubt.

And now, this “comeback” of mine happened right when the situation in Gaza was getting critical (or not that the issue started now, but I became aware of it just now, which is a problem in itself because this is a 75-year-old ongoing issue), and I couldn’t ignore it. And still, I was met with the lack of words.

Insufficiencies in Vocabulary

Atrocities in Gaza left me angry, helpless, and severely anxious. I tried to use my platforms to speak up, do something, and reach someone more powerful. But then I realized my words hold no power. All I could do was silently repost.

Or, it wasn’t all I could do, but I felt, for lack of a better word, stupid. How did I not know about this before? Why can’t I form an opinion? Are my thoughts my own? Am I a fake and a wannabe?

What was pushing me to talk about it anyway was my empathy.

So far, I’ve been reacting to things, whatever they may be, purely because of my empathy, but if I want to continue talking about things, I need to know more first. I don’t want my actions to be something that aligns with the current trend in performative awareness, and when it dies out, I fall back into the quiet again.

It was fine when I said I was not educated on politics enough when someone asked me a question related to the elections and the parties in my country when I was around the age where I could start voting for the first time. It was okay that one time, the excuse, but it is not the card I can play every time for the rest of my life on any question that ever arises on anything.

Insufficiencies in the General Public Education on Politics

On another note, I’m often left speechless in situations like the one mentioned above, not just because I’m too shocked to say something but because my vocabulary, especially in my native language, lacks technical terms.

I remember one time I was talking with my friend from Jordan, and she told me that students know a lot about politics and actively engage in different matters, discussions, and such.

I had to admit this wasn’t the case in my country, and I was ashamed. I felt like a kid when the adults were talking. I realized that two things are at work here. The first one was my fault. I needed to engage more. I admit that more times than not, I shut myself in a mess of my issues, my ego, or pure laziness. That is a job only for me to fix.

The second one was that in my country, politicians don’t really interact with the people on the level of elaborating or keeping them in the loop with things. They either bicker with one another through media and serve as an amusement for people, as a joke, but really as a distraction to create enough noise not to hear the conversations behind closed doors.

Conversations on politics are almost taboo, not a lot of people engage in them, and because of the amount of disinterest in the topic, you’re made fun of or considered radical if you even start anything.

That’s one scenario. The other is using big words that are too complicated for an average man to understand. It’s a form of intimidation, and it’s worked so far.

That’s how they “form public opinion” here, and that’s why it was possible for around 60% of people surveyed on the Palestine question to say they “don’t think about it.” Now, I can’t begin to explain how disgusting and hypocritical such a stance is where I’m from, given our very recent history.

How far away is far enough for tragedy not to affect us? Isn’t pain nuclear? Doesn’t it burn everything in its way and then linger still? And we just “don’t care about it”?

Maybe we fell too much into comfort because as long as we live in a world where children are dying, orphaned, left on the street, sick, and scared, I don’t think we get to cuddle ourselves and detox from too much graphic news.

In Conclusion, My Point Is?

I’m going off-topic here, but what was my point anyway? Shortcomings in communication and action. I’m growing more and more frustrated with the state of myself and the world.

I’ll leave below the links to two sources I’d be happy if you spared some time to read. Since I lack better words, the least I can do is direct you to some.

  1. The Power of Narrative and Why Edward Said Would Be Proud: 35 Palestinian Narratives to Read
  2. Permission to Narrate Edward Said writes about the story of the Palestinians

2 thoughts on “For Lack of a Better Word

  1. Big Hugs…..

    The middle east situation is incredibly sad, complex and historic.

    By writing how you feel is good therapy. Will you fix the situation??? – No.

    My only advise is to keep caring, keep writing, but stop feeling guilty about ot being able to change anything.

    Focus on things you can change. Be kind to others and be yourself….

    More hugs x

    1. Thank you for your words.
      I’ve come to realize in the past weeks that it isn’t as complex as we were told, but there’s just big powers at play.
      I know that I myself can’t change everything – I wish I could – but that’s why it’s important we all come together. I can only rest, and shake this feeling of helplessness if I actually DO something. Little by little…
      Also, kindness is what I strive for, and caring for what’s happening and lending my voice to Palestinians when they need it the most is just another form of kindness. Unity and persistence is what we need right now, and I have faith.

      Hugs x

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